Sunday, 30 June 2013
A shift in the world of Helen Birmingham
I had such a good day yesterday I want to write down how I felt . . .
(In case the depression tries to steal the memory!)
The Red Arrows display for Armed Forces Day in Scarborough was really inspiring - I realised that I could be part of the world, but on my terms. I didn't need to be in the rush and push of all the people in town, but neither did I have to miss out! That sounds really obvious when its written down, but it was a bit of a revelation.
I found a secluded spot on the South Cliff, fairly near to the Italian Gardens and settled in for the show! Just stopping and sitting and waiting is something I'm not very good at. To begin with I fidgeted and fussed and was a bit grumpy - even decided that it was stupid to be just sitting there when there were other things to do, and did I really want to see the Red Arrows anyway - I've seen them before. I decided to go home - that's just what I do - but then I thought, well what are you going to do at home? Fidget and fuss and be really grumpy?
I made a conscious effort to sit still and breathe - then I started to cry - without feeling embarrassed or guilty, without even really feeling sad. Just feeling safe and actually ok. Ok to look around and stop. Stop worrying about being self conscious- and the world just sort of opened up.
And that was before the Red Arrows even got here!!
A very good day.
Saturday 29th June 2013.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
New work
Well I've actually been working at last - and it feels good. I have to be honest and say that I had no idea that I hadn't been working - probably for a year or so. I've been doing stuff and filling my time but not actually engaging with anything. It's been a pretty tough time, and being on my own has been quite hard to get used to, but I'm getting there now.
I'm working on a new project, which is giving me some focus and direction, and actually seems to be drawing together lots of different strands of my work, which can only be good. It's surprising how things which I hadn't made links between, after a bit of a break, seem obviously to part of the same thought process.
Before my 'non move' to London, I was working on ideas related to what it is to be 'female', the role that needlework and quilting play in female history, together with my own reactions towards 'empty nest syndrome' and menopause. I had intended to apply for place on the MA at The Royal College of Art in the Textile Department. For some reason, when I decided not to go to London, I also seemed to stop working, and to a large extent stop thinking! Just sort of vegetated for a while. (And no funny comments about not noticing the difference!). Vegetating, yet constantly doing stuff, keeping busy, but really destructively so. Now I realise that there is no reason why i cant carry on with the work I hoped to be doing on an MA, just without being at college! If it sells it sells. If not, I haven't compromised AGAIN. This time it's just me, why should I compromise!
Now I feel I've turned a corner in my life. 51 - post menopausal - empty nest - and single?
Bring on the phase of the crone. I'm ready for you!
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